Let’s assume that you have a friend who is always glued to her phone when you are talking to her. Because you don’t want to offend her, you keep putting off telling her that it bothers you. One day you cannot hold it in anymore, and you explode—you lose your temper and say some pretty rude things that you don’t really mean. Because you were bottling up your negative emotions, you risked ruining your friendship.
You may have assumed that your friend will eventually realize that you don’t like her behavior. Even though it is highly unlikely, we tend to believe that others know what we are thinking. For this reason, we refrain from expressing our thoughts and emotions and instead just get annoyed when the other person does the exact opposite of what we had hoped for. Therefore, next time when you are bothered by someone’s behavior, tell them as soon as you can, but in the proper way and with the right tone. Remember, change can only be facilitated by sharing how you feel and what you think.
Truth be told, problems usually don’t solve themselves. If you keep avoiding dealing with them, they will likely only get worse. You may be tempted to put off resolving a problem because you know that the consequences may be negative, but doing that will only escalate it. For example, you may keep postponing going to the car repair shop because you are scared to find out what is wrong with your car (and the price of fixing the problem is scary too). Consequently, you are risking your car breaking down in the middle of nowhere, which will present an even bigger problem.
Another mistake we tend to make when tackling problems is not asking for help when we need it. We may clearly be aware of the problem but keep avoiding it because we don’t have the knowledge or resources to resolve it. For instance, you could have avoided your car breaking down if you would have asked a mechanic to take a look at it.
Do not put off tough talks, even if it’s tempting. Doing this can have an adverse effect on your relationships and will only leave you unhappy and frustrated. Fortunately, I can provide you with some advice about how to approach these types of conversations. First and foremost, be polite while remaining truthful. While it may be uncomfortable, it is best to get right to the point and express your dissatisfaction. Second, remember that, “The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard,” as written by English writer William Hazlitt. Although it is necessary to share your point of view, you should also try to consider the other person’s viewpoint. Finally, use paraphrasing to ensure that you correctly understood what was said.
Don’t be afraid to feel and express negative emotions. Keeping your feelings bottled up is bad for your well-being and relationships. Oftentimes you may be afraid to show emotions because you are scared of looking weak or vulnerable. Still, only by voicing your feelings will you be able to get the support or advice you need. You may also avoid expressing frustration or anger out of fear of upsetting or offending others. While this could be a temporary solution, you run the risk of the problem worsening in the future.
All things considered, it is sometimes better to put off a difficult conversation. In fact, if you find yourself overwhelmed or unable to think clearly, consider stepping away from the problem for a short time. Doing this will give you the opportunity to reassess the situation or gather more information. Just don’t stay away too long.
References:
- DON’T BOTTLE UP THINGS THAT BOTHER YOU
Graham, S. M., Huang, J. Y., Clark, M. S., & Helgeson, V. S. (2008). The positives of negative emotions: Willingness to express negative emotions promotes relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(3), 394–406.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167207311281
Patel, J., & Patel, P. (2019). Consequences of repression of emotion: Physical health, mental health and general well-being. International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 1(3), 16–21.
https://doi.org/10.14302/issn.2574-612x.ijpr-18-2564
Peters, B. J., Overall, N. C., & Jamieson, J. P. (2014). Physiological and cognitive consequences of suppressing and expressing emotion in dyadic interactions. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 94(1), 100–107.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijpsycho.2014.07.015
“The art of conversation”: Hazlitt, W., & Sampson, G. (1917). Hazlitt: Selected Essays. The University Press.
use paraphrasing to ensure that you correctly understood what was said: Weger, H., Castle, G. R., & Emmett, M. C. (2010). Active listening in peer interviews: The influence of message paraphrasing on perceptions of listening skill. International Journal of Listening, 24(1), 34–49.
https://doi.org/10.1080/10904010903466311
you may be afraid to show emotions: Ruan, Y., Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., Hirsch, J. L., & Bink, B. D. (2020). Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression. Emotion, 20(3), 329–342.
https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000650